522 My Street
My Town, CA 90210
A lucrative career writing fabulous things, but for now, an administrative position that requires as little thought as possible so I can come up with quick quips and witty diary entries will have to do.
Highly competent, yet overlooked, office professional with experience in management, public relations, event planning, and sales, but often forced to cat sit or word process religious propaganda. Excellent computer skills, especially in surfing the web during business hours, and inputting information into disorganized databases. Precision of stapling and collating skills demonstrate increased responsibility. Impressive clarity of speech when greeting clients over the phone and in person.
Selected Skills & Accomplishments
Managed timekeeping and payroll systems while tuning out annoying coworker’s babbling brook/zen garden on the other side of the cubicle.
Assisted Oprah’s bff’s personal assistant in cataloging a personal library.
Dressed up as a cowgirl while putting together the swag bags for a fundraiser.
Sold plastic welding accessories for a catalog company housed in a former brothel.
Office Monkey for University: 2006-Present
Temp for Soul Sucking Personnel Services: 2004-2005
Gofer for Real Estate Mogul Mom: 2003-2004
Retail Wench for Mid-Life Retail Store: 2002-2003
Abused Student Clerk for University: 2001
Food Slinger for Cheap Eats: 2000-2001
Bachelor’s Degree that is apparently useless, but could probably sell for top dollar on Ebay since it’s signed by The Terminator.
Recording Secretary (surprise, surprise!) for Housing Board Committee.
References available, but rarely requested.