The Truth Can’t Save You Now

How to Write a Social-Networking Bio Sure to Inspire Insecurity and Trepidation in the Hearts of Every Reader:
Be Just Like Mary Poppins—Practically Perfect in Every Way
  • Always pick a photo that was professionally taken or at the very least taken with a professional’s camera. The photo should appear to be candid. Point to nothing like it’s the Eiffel Tower, or stick your tongue out like you’re flirting with your hot new boy toy who is conveniently just out of the frame of the picture. The background should tell a story all on its own—that you vacation luxuriously, even if you’re just standing by a tree in your parking lot or ducking into the foyer of a swanky hotel though you can only afford Motel 6.
  • Never tell the truth about what you do for a living. If you’re only marginally employed, say you’re on a sabbatical or that you’ve started your own business, such as a consulting firm. Remember to use terms that have no real meaning and use them out of context. Always provide evidence, such as a website or physical address, even if there is nothing on your site or the address is your neighbor’s. Rename your position to reflect more positively on your job description. If you work at Starbucks, say that you work in sales for a Fortune Five Hundred company. Technically, it’s not a lie.
  • Add at least one zero to your income and post it conspicuously in your bio. Talk about your multiple sources of income and other plans that will make you even richer than everyone you’ve ever known. Don’t forget to mention you love to travel, invest, gamble, and wax your car. Talk about your hobbies that are associated with money—like golf and going to the spa. Invite your poorest friends to go along with you. They’ll never accept the invitation because they can’t afford it, and they’ll be none the wiser about your true financial situation.
  • Never discuss your true passions in life, like watching TV and reading trashy magazines. Always talk about your book club and how you think Nabokov was masterful and Steele is so prosaic. You listen to NPR, not MTV. You go wine tasting, and you’ve never even heard of Boone’s Farm. You do everything in moderation and have a great sense of humor. You have a healthy retirement fund, and yet you still manage to have handbags and shoes that cost at least half a month’s salary. They most certainly are not knockoffs! You’ve never even been to Chinatown. You are a natural at cooking, and you bake lovely things but never gain a pound.
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7 Responses to The Truth Can’t Save You Now

  1. neridra says:

    I think I have a long way to go 😉 but under your guidance and tutelage maybe there is hope for me 🙂

    Have a jamming good day!
    (2d, 11h, 35m, 31s!)

  2. Notorious M.A.G. says:

    OMG! I love this post. I feel of a higher class already. And I am wearing my pearls! HA! Little does everyone know that I am actually on the internet looking into Monster Truck tickets for this weekend. Go Bulldozer!

  3. Sarakastic says:

    Funny how people always point out that they have a sense of humor never do. Thanks for making me laugh, I have to go change the phrase “I’m here for networking only, not even friends, just networking, that’s right” on a bunch of profiles now.

  4. GlitterWhipper says:

    More online profile-ists should read this. 😉

  5. Latte Lady says:

    I also really like the advice about feeling self-important and telling people that it isn’t what you do and who you are today, it is what you are going to be tomorrow….. a president, a successful writer etc. My friend from college used to smile when asked the question and simply say: I want to be on top of the world. I liked that.
    Me-I just want to be the wing “wo”man at SBA.

  6. Girl Friday says:


    Glad I could be of service.

    Notorious M.A.G.,

    Bulldozer, indeed! The BF wonders why we don’t go see Monster Trucks. Can he tag along with you? I’m busy with my knitting circle…


    “I’m here for networking only, not even friends, just networking, that’s right”

    That’s awesome. Who wants to make “friends” anyway?


    Glad to hear you pipe up! The worst part about those profiles is everyone claims to have the best taste in everything, a good personailty, and a great sense of humor. It’s just not possible. I dare someone to go on Myspace and say their favorite movie is Tremors 2!

    Latte Lady,

    Let’s just keep on saying, “When I grow up I want to be….” I know we’re technically adults already, but whaterver! You are so a wing “wo”man. 😉

  7. Laura says:

    you = hilarious

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