He May Not Be Real Experienced With Girls

Posted on September 9, 2006 by Girl Friday

The hazards of dating continue in today’s installation…

I spoke to Latte Lady last night about an embarrassing incident that happened on the rooftop of a swanky boutique hotel in the heart of downtown. On Wednesday, she accepted an invitation from a coworker that she refers to as Bozo. (He tends to put his foot in his mouth every other sentence, and for that reason she has not introduced me to him. I have a surprisingly low tolerance for dolts.) Bozo had a friend visiting, Dopey, and they heard about a mixer at the hotel, so they conned Latte Lady into going and giving them a ride. Latte Lady agreed to accompany them, thinking they’d at least buy her a drink. To her chagrin, they ditched her almost immediately and started making the rounds. A chick really hinders their game—well, that and their personalities.

Dejected, Latte Lady sidled up to the bar and saw two very attractive men. She started chatting them up, and they appeared very intrigued by her (and who wouldn’t be!?). They bought her a drink and she became instantly smitten. Ken and Ben both explained that they work in publishing and lead fabulous lives in New York City. Latte Lady honed in her flirting magic on Ben, and he seemed to return it in kind. Ken and Ben casually asked if the two fellows she arrived with were a couple—apparently they had been spotted holding hands. Latte Lady explained that no, they were not a couple, just two close friends.

Latte Lady excused herself to find Bozo and Dopey. She wanted to see what was up with the handholding rumor. Bozo and Dopey blasted the rumor. Bozo said he couldn’t understand why everyone always thought they were a couple. Then the pair dropped the bomb. Bozo and Dopey inquired if Latte Lady had seen Ken and Ben’s promise rings. Promise rings!

Latte Lady shuffled back to the duo feeling like a dunce. She had totally and utterly misread the signs! Ken did say he was a food critic… She had to grin and bear it for the rest of the evening. Ken and Ben were very kind and entertaining; she had to stop herself several times from suggesting that one or both should look her up if they ever decided to switch teams.

Though the evening was riddled with odd moments, Latte Lady found some comfort atop the gorgeous hotel in her gin and tonic.

Posted in Life, Ships | 2 Comments

That Fickle Little Bitch Romance

Posted on September 8, 2006 by Girl Friday

In preparation for this post I have been researching pseudo-dating.  It’s a concept I feel familiar with, but I’m not sure I’m even using the right word.  Should I be using secret dating?  NO, as this apparently isn’t even in the Urban Dictionary.  Secret sex is defined, but it’s so tawdry.  Anyway, in an effort to come up with a working premise for this post, please consider an as of yet uncoined term that blurs the lines between pseudo-dating, secret sex, and keeping things on the down low…

Recently Lucky 10-Key became involved with a coworker.  They spent time together outside of the office, but upon his insistence and her mutual agreement, they declined to share their relationship with their officemates.  For a while she’s been feeling the flames fizzling, so she gave him the brush-off.  No harm, no foul—right?  It was his idea to keep things casual.  So she uninvited him from a concert they had planned to attend together.  He had not offered to buy the tickets, so she did.  He did not offer to pay her for his ticket, so technically he has no right to it.  After reading her cordial e-mail (it was much more tactful than a Post-It) he responded in the strangest way ever.  I did not make this shit up…(punctuation errors, fragmented sentences and all):

“Dear Lucky 10-Key,

Well I have to admit that I am a little surprised, and even a little disappointed at this sudden change of heart.  I’m also a little upset that you couldn’t call me, you had to e-mail me to tell me this.  I thought we were tighter than that.  Little inconsiderate too, especially since you now have arbitrarily decided to cut me off from the concert, which is literally the day after tomorrow.  I actually had to move some things on my schedule so that I could go with you on Saturday, but I guess that doesn’t matter to you, does it?  Don’t I at least deserve a phone call or some kind of feasible explanation, instead of a cold, callous e-mail like this?  I can only speculate on why you have decided to do this–my intuition tells me that someone at work told you something about me that you blindly believed without question, and accepted without first asking me and confirming the facts.  Also, just to clarify, I never thought we were officially “seeing” each other.  I’m pretty sure I mentioned to you that I recently got out of a serious relationship, so I am definitely not ready for anything else besides a casual friendship.  I apologize if I led you on, but I am pretty sure I said this at the onset of our encounters.
–Chuck”

Lucky 10-Key called me late last night and we stayed up laughing for a good twenty minutes.  When I spoke to her throughout the day we couldn’t stop howling.  I told her to take a copy of his e-mail to the concert as a reminder of what a good use of $30 looks like.

The language throughout the e-mail is a laugh riot!  The word onset should be reserved for discussing bouts of VD or other diagnoses like male patterned baldness and diabetes.  For a guy who only wanted to date causally, he sure sounds upset.  Chuck—as she’s aptly dubbed him (it can refer to “Up-chuck” or “I want to chuck this piece of trash”)—needs to stop being so crazy and get over himself, or else I’m going to march up to their office and give him a bruising.  No one treats my Gal Pals like that and gets away with it!

Posted in Office Stories, Ships | 4 Comments

It Makes the Situation Hundreds of Times Worse

Posted on September 7, 2006 by Girl Friday

Do you believe in karma?  I think I do, but I’m not sure I want to.  Does it explain why my life is the way it is sometimes?  Have I really been that awful that the universe needs to smite me?

Notorious M.A.G. asked herself that same question today.

Things were looking up when she got off of work early.  She had a coworker drive her to the train station and she caught the train by a narrow margin.  She arrived home in time to join in some family festivities, and then went to run some errands at her favorite hot spots—the bookstore and Target.

She was minding her own business when Mr. I Make Schoolgirls Swoon appeared.  (He’s the kind of guy that’s nice and nice looking.  He’s the kind of guy that girls traveled the length of the city to hunt down.  Everyone knew of him, and after a while I think he may have lost some of his nice appeal.)  Not knowing what to do or having anything in particular to say to the town hunk, Notorious M.A.G. did what any self-respecting gal would do—she fled the scene.  She got to her truck and tried to peel out, but stopped short when she realized she had locked her keys in the truck.  She’s a Superheroine first, and a nervous schoolgirl last; so she hopped up into the bed of the truck and fetched the keys through the cab window.

Her derrière waved proudly in the air for all to see, as if to say, “Kiss my ass!”  Unfortunately, Notorious M.A.G. wasn’t feeling so confident.  She had parked right in front of the store and all the patrons had a close-up view of her white flag flapping in defeat.  Her butt proclaimed, “It is my calling in life to make an ass of myself.”

My thoughts and prayers go out to Notorious M.A.G.!  We can all relate to those moments when we wish the earth would open and swallow us up, consuming our humiliation and embarrassment in one gulp.

Posted in Life | 3 Comments