The Diary of Girl Friday

Girl Friday took the weekend to decompress after finishing three grueling days at The Bank. The Office aka The Basement housed thousands of boxes of important files, rickety chairs long abandoned, and holiday decorations. Girl Friday whined and cursed at herself for taking on the suspiciously well-compensated assignment. She’ll never fall into that trap again! On the plus side, Girl Friday padded her bank account for Christmas and sampled the delectable baked goods from the pastry shop next to The Bank.

Upon arriving for her first day, Girl Friday waited in the reception area of the division where was she formerly employed. The executives and drones were just as friendly as she remembered. They passed her in silence and inwardly resented her for crumpling the L.A. Times. Girl Friday spent forty minutes reading about the dwindling restaurant business and a biting review of a “too cute” television show she had already penciled into her nightly line-up.

At 9 AM when her supervisor finally graced the office, Girl Friday headed over to the main branch’s basement/records department. There were signs of danger all about the place. An oversized headstone proclaimed, “I am dead,” and a chalkboard forewarned of vampires (an arrow had been drawn for emphasis) marked the hallway. Despite her misgivings, Girl Friday marched on, armed with one Bic pen to complete the arduous inventory task. The dank basement spooked Girl Friday, making every aisle dark territory and every noise a haunting creak. Girl Friday came prepared for solitude; she had her iPod charged and ready. Alone in the basement, Girl Friday used the long expanses of concrete to practice ballet and the poor acoustics of the place to belt out her favorite tunes.

Long coffee breaks were a daily ritual for Girl Friday. Iced coffees, croissants, and dreams of Parisian paradise broke up the monotony of copying and cross checking. Lunchtime was a feast everyday with The BF. The restaurants transported Girl Friday from the basement to a sleek sushi bar in Tokyo or a rustic cocina in Oaxaca. Girl Friday is nothing, if not imaginative.

Girl Friday wished to complain about the lax security, but found it worked to her advantage since she could come and go as she pleased. Girl Friday wished the break room wasn’t also the mailroom and a veteran employee’s office. Girl Friday wished her supervisor realized she was dealing with a real-live Superheroine. None of these wishes mattered much, but her final wish, that the job would just end already, did come true.

It’s Monday and Girl Friday is back at her trusty desk typing away about this latest misadventure and couldn’t be more content.

Girl Friday is amused that her site is being sought all over the internet, but Girl Friday is also alarmed by some of the key word searches that bring up her site! Apparently “superheroine dominatrix,” “bad office girl,” and “girl and boss in office” are popular searches, and somehow Girl Friday has gotten mixed up in the business. For the record, Girl Friday is not a dominatirx (in case you were wondering), nor is she a bad girl (she’s quite fond of the rules, actually), and Girl Friday has never been alone with any of her bosses (thank God). Girl Friday is a tongue-in-cheek Superheroine. Don’t get it twisted!
Did anyone catch that reference?

Girl Friday wrapped up her three-week assignment at the real estate company and couldn’t be happier!
Let’s meet the key players, shall we?

Belle: The Boss’s right hand and a chain smoking-hair piece wearing-no good nosy-wench.
Tina: Insect twig, orange on a toothpick, Barbie doll-esque (call her what you will) party girl/kick ass sales agent.
Dave: Punk ass pretty boy (not so pretty, but he thought so) trying to climb out of the admin assistant cesspool and up the corporate ladder.
Jamie: His last name is the name of a fish (Trout, how tragic) and he wrote Girl Friday off almost entirely because of her coupled status.
Joseph: The Evangelically crazed Boss.
Cindy: The passive-aggressive executive assistant out to form a committee at a moment’s notice.

During the first week Girl Friday discovered that Cindy was the go-to gal for pointing out problems and mistakes. Girl Friday tried her darnedest to be thorough, efficient, and accurate, and much to Cindy’s chagrin, no additional committees had to be assemled.

In week two The Boss asked, “Who will save your soul, Girl Friday?” Not actually, but he did ask her to type up a religious questionnaire that one can only guess was going to be passed out at his weekly worship session. Here is a sample of some of the questions, decide for yourself whether or not Girl Friday was justified in being appalled.

1. “Are there known groups within the community that practice African or Caribbean rituals (e.g., voodoo, Santeria)?”
2. “What is known about secret societies within your community (e.g., witchcraft covens, Masonic lodges)?”
3. “Are there pseudo-religious organizations within the community (e.g., Mormonism, Jehovah’s Witnesses)?”
4. “Have New Age religions or Native American vision quests become popular in the area? If so, why do you think that is?”

After recovering from her shock, Girl Friday politely told Belle that she felt uncomfortable completing the assignment. Pissed and going through a nicotine withdrawal, Belle stormed out of the room and told everyone how Girl Friday was ungrateful and inconvenient. Once they’d all had the chance to look over the offensive questions they all rushed to apologize to Girl Friday, who was considering giving up her Superheroine title for good! Luckily they convinced her to stay, (it was someone’s birthday after all, and they were putting on a carbohydrate spread over the flat files like you wouldn’t believe).

Finally, during week three, Girl Friday made friends at the breakfast party. Over one, or possibly four chocolate croissants, Girl Friday chatted with Trout boy and he seemed to be less bothered that things were off the table. On Friday, Tina invited Girl Friday to lunch with the “cool people” from the office (that’s a direct quote). Girl Friday wondered if Tina actually ate, because so far she’d only see her consume a six-pack of Diet Coke and miniature Almond Joy. Then Girl Friday reasoned that Tina must eat something, because though she is thin as a reed, Tina has all 6% of her body fat in her chest (life is so unfair).

Girl Friday had a splendid time at lunch, nodding and laughing at inside jokes and reminiscing about work functions she wasn’t at. The group returned a little worse for wear, as they had consumed about a clove of garlic each and had hair beyond tousled since they’d gone there and back in a convertible.

Girl Friday rounded out the assignment by forgetting to drop off the mail and wash out the coffee pots. Oops! It wasn’t her proudest moment, but good-byes are never easy. At 4:45 everyone who hadn’t already annoyed Girl Friday surrounded her, wished her well, begged to be her best friend, offered to set her up with a better job or at least write her a recommendation. As for the people Girl Friday had added to her hit list…Girl Friday said nothing when The Boss said, “I’ll see you next week.” Girl Friday agreed to take Belle’s ugly suits off her hands, but only if she brought them on Monday. Girl Friday felt humiliated when Belle sized her up (literally) but couldn’t bear to be honest and say, “What kind of girl do you think I am? I am not a charity case, and I don’t want your cheap-ass, smoky, old lady suits!” In addition, Girl Friday did not invite Dave to lunch, though he looked hungry and aspires to be a “cool person” at the office.

Girl Friday finds the world of real estate just riveting, but prefers to keep her options open. Girl Friday is taking a mini-break from the world of Small Offices Everywhere. Keep your eyes peeled because that means that Girl Friday will have more time to write about her ridiculous life!