I Make Some Coffee, I Eat Some Rice Chex, and Then I Sit Down to Check My Inbox

1. Arrive fashionably late—and by fashionable I mean wear your cute shoes and make sure your lip gloss is freshly applied. If you’re going to be late, you might as well invest a few minutes in your appearance. We spend over a third of our time at work, wouldn’t the time be best spent looking chic and polished? You never know whom you’re going to meet during the day, so dress for a wonderfully serendipitous encounter with your future sweetheart or best friend.
2. Maintain maximum caffeination. Only brew fresh ground coffee in the mornings and always travel with a cute mug. Hot coffee will keep you warm in your chilly office and your mouth busy so you don’t have to converse too much that early in the morning. If you don’t drink coffee, start. You can’t go on coffee breaks (the best time of the work day besides lunch) if you don’t drink it. Tea breaks and smoothie breaks are not yet an acceptable reason to leave the office.
3. Flash your pearly whites and answer in the affirmative. Plaster a charming smile on your face and answer every question and command with, “Of course,” and, “Right away,” or, “I’ll get right on that.” A can-do attitude lends credibility, and a cheery disposition endears you to even the coldest of coworkers. Even if you plan on putting piddly tasks at the bottom of your inbox, make your boss believe that you’re giving your utmost attention to whatever it is they’re pawning off onto you.
4. Keep your boss in the proverbial loop. Utilize the Carbon Copy and drop by for impromptu discussions. Never let them forget how valuable you are to the team. Make them wonder how they ever worked a day without you. Always write formal e-mails—refer to other management figures and use words like policy and reticent. For example: I am rather reticent about doing X because according to the policy, Y could occur and then we would be forced to handle the situation with Z.

Tricks for killing time and other sneaky maneuvers:

• Copy text from your favorite website into an e-mail. Your coworkers will walk by your desk and think you are busy typing something very significant.
• Write your first novel on “borrowed” notebooks from the supply closet.
• Offer to take inventory and order supplies. It’s not quite as fun as Amazon.com, but you could walk away with a couple of cool pens and first dibs on Post-Its.
• Make nice with one of your coworkers and talk freely on the phone during work hours about last night’s episode of Project Runway. Start your own code so you can talk about the other freaks in the office. Sprinkle your friendly conversation with “work” words like payroll, time management, and plan of action.