Put Your Insides All on Ice

I had a lull in my afternoon—it was the calm before the storm—so I thought I’d amuse Neridra, Queen of Anagrams, by writing a mock-up of a rejection letter she’s been putting off writing (and by mock, I mean mock). See, she can’t follow her own advice! She got suckered into organizing an annual art show. Naturally, Girl Friday has received more than her fair share of rejection letters! Rejection is never fun, but who says it can’t be funny?

Dear Mr./Ms. Arty Pants,

Thank you for your interest in the annual Art Show. We appreciate the time and effort you spent in submitting your work and application, because lord knows you have nothing better to do. There is a wealth of talent and ingenuity in our artistic community, that’s to be expected, however, since there are so many great schools in the area like my alma mater. Unfortunately, you lack the right connections (it pays be my best friend). Perhaps your work would be better suited for your local elementary school craft fair or church swap meet. I’m sure some sucker would be willing to part with their hard earned cash to wear your I-baked-it-in-the-oven-ceramic-craft-bead necklaces or your earrings fashioned from lint trap fuzz and yarn—I know, you are an experimental artist.

As I have said, not so subtly before, we do appreciate your interest in the Art Show. Please do consider applying again next year after you have developed your craft a bit more (i.e. learned to make items that consumers will actually spend money on).

Thank you,

Neridra, Queen of Anagrams

I felt like a bitch after writing this, but Neridra assured me it was spot-on and undeniably hilarious. I know what it’s like to get a cold, impersonal letter from HR. I think I’d prefer something a bit more direct, maybe even if it were bitingly honest. HR letters are just like break-ups. They take the form of the following:

“Your set of skills do not meet our needs,” is equivalent to, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

“There was an overwhelming pool of applicants, and at this time we decline to pursue your application further,” means, “There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and I plan to test the waters.”

“Thank you for your interest in the position, we feel that you may be better suited in another job and will keep your application on file,” is just like, “I don’t like you like that, but let’s stay friends.”

“We sincerely appreciate your interest, but the position has been filled,” is reminiscent of, “This was a lot of fun, but there’s someone else.”

See what I mean!?