Guess Right, Get the Toaster

Posted on October 5, 2006 by Girl Friday

I’m going to attempt something short and sweet.  It’s been a very long week and I still have one more day to get through.  The BF and I had The Inspector over.  He pointed at this crack and that broken thingamabob.  The condo got a clean bill of health.  The only thing that needs some handiwork is my gorgeously kitschy lemon yellow 1958 Westinghouse oven.  Apparently the broiler doesn’t work!  How ever will I make my famous pork chop dinner?

Here is a brief list of reasons I need to win one of those great big cardboard checks:

  1. I would like to refinish the hardwood floors.  There is enough room to install a barre and I’d like to avoid splinters while I do my dégagés and rond de jambes.
  2. I would love to get rid of the pink bathroom, but I think I may just have to install a Powder Room sign and call it a day.  My ‘rents offered to help redo the tile and such (my poor dad) but I have no clue where to start.  Maybe I’ll settle for a white toilet.  I think it would be a vast improvement over the dusty rose one.  No one ever says, “I paid homage to the dusty rose porcelain God.”
  3. I just found out that getting new windows and doors are going to cost about four grand.  And yet the only thing The Realtor and The Inspector could talk about was my lack of a wedding ring.  Hmm…a ring or double-paned safety glass?  On top of the windows I need new window coverings.  The drapes aren’t horrendous, and I have a feeling I’ll be living with the existing ones for a while.  Do my sewing and crafty Gal Pals have any ideas?
  4. I must purge the kitchen of all things vinyl.  The convalescent-reminiscent baseboards were DOA the day they were installed.  The random green and white composite tiles defy all explanation.
  5. I want furniture.  I have some.  Most of it doesn’t match.  It’s a mishmash of Ikea, Target, hand-me-downs, and a few nice things we’ve managed to scrape money together for and buy.  I suspect that unless Ed McMahon knocks on my door in the next month, I’ll be sleeping in the same small bed and using the same uncomfortably high coffee table.

Despite some cosmetic flaws, the condo is adorable.  I can’t wait to host all of you at some point in the future!  Just don’t forget to pack your air mattress—this is prime real estate and unfortunately we don’t have enough cash to spring for guest quarters.  I guess that’s what I should do with my cardboard check—upgrade.

Posted in Homegirl, Life, Listmaking | 4 Comments

And You Might Say it’s Self-Indulgent

Posted on October 4, 2006 by Girl Friday

It’s been a rough week. There are so many things to look forward to (When I started this parenthetical aside I wasn’t planning on recounting, but who cares? I’m stoked for Veronica Mars, BSG, and Lucky 10-Key coming to visit…) but I’m feeling like crap. Nothing seems to be going right at work. I’m busy after work with other commitments, and that throws off my regularly scheduled programming and my metabolic clock. I’ve been listening to depressing songs again and I’m on the verge of tears. I could use a nap. How about you?

I would attempt humor, but I’m afraid it’s going to come off more bitter than ever before. I hope to clear myself of the mope as fast as possible. Anger and stress is bad for the complexion and is the number one leading cause of premature aging.

On that note, smile! I wrote a Mad Lib for Queen of Anagrams a while ago. I’m glad I saved it for a rainy day.

The Office Mad Lib

2 people: Jim and Pam
2 verbs: dancing and smiling
2 adjectives: beautiful and happy
2 places: the mall and Rio de Janeiro
2 nouns: jello and tattoos
2 colors: black and pink
1 food or drink: mocha latte
1 time of day: dusk
1 hobby: skydiving
1 job: jingle writer

Jim brought Pam a mocha latte on Monday morning. No one is happy on Mondays, so he thought it would be a step up from her normal black coffee. Pam said, “Thanks!” smiling ear to ear, her infatuation and desire dancing in her eyes. Pam tried extra hard to look beautiful for Jim that day. She’d bought a pink sweater set at the mall over the weekend. Throughout dusk approached, Jim convinced Pam to help him play a prank on Dwight. It was hard work making so much jello, but the two of them hadn’t had so much fun since the time they went skydiving! To commemorate the event they got matching tattoos…where the sun don’t shine 🙂

Posted in Libs, Life | 3 Comments

The Truth Can’t Save You Now

Posted on October 3, 2006 by Girl Friday
How to Write a Social-Networking Bio Sure to Inspire Insecurity and Trepidation in the Hearts of Every Reader:
Be Just Like Mary Poppins—Practically Perfect in Every Way
  • Always pick a photo that was professionally taken or at the very least taken with a professional’s camera. The photo should appear to be candid. Point to nothing like it’s the Eiffel Tower, or stick your tongue out like you’re flirting with your hot new boy toy who is conveniently just out of the frame of the picture. The background should tell a story all on its own—that you vacation luxuriously, even if you’re just standing by a tree in your parking lot or ducking into the foyer of a swanky hotel though you can only afford Motel 6.
  • Never tell the truth about what you do for a living. If you’re only marginally employed, say you’re on a sabbatical or that you’ve started your own business, such as a consulting firm. Remember to use terms that have no real meaning and use them out of context. Always provide evidence, such as a website or physical address, even if there is nothing on your site or the address is your neighbor’s. Rename your position to reflect more positively on your job description. If you work at Starbucks, say that you work in sales for a Fortune Five Hundred company. Technically, it’s not a lie.
  • Add at least one zero to your income and post it conspicuously in your bio. Talk about your multiple sources of income and other plans that will make you even richer than everyone you’ve ever known. Don’t forget to mention you love to travel, invest, gamble, and wax your car. Talk about your hobbies that are associated with money—like golf and going to the spa. Invite your poorest friends to go along with you. They’ll never accept the invitation because they can’t afford it, and they’ll be none the wiser about your true financial situation.
  • Never discuss your true passions in life, like watching TV and reading trashy magazines. Always talk about your book club and how you think Nabokov was masterful and Steele is so prosaic. You listen to NPR, not MTV. You go wine tasting, and you’ve never even heard of Boone’s Farm. You do everything in moderation and have a great sense of humor. You have a healthy retirement fund, and yet you still manage to have handbags and shoes that cost at least half a month’s salary. They most certainly are not knockoffs! You’ve never even been to Chinatown. You are a natural at cooking, and you bake lovely things but never gain a pound.
Posted in How To, Life | 7 Comments